Sunday, December 18, 2005
Holiday Party 2005
Mariah’s girlfriend, Jessica, and I threw the Holiday party this year. There was food and drinks and a fun game…and most importantly…everyone came! There were like 10 people in a small NYC space eating and laughing and drinking. It was wonderful.
And when it was nearing the end of the party, I started to get achingly sad again.
In the past, Paul would have had to work and most likely wouldn’t have come to the party anyway. But I would still know that I had a boyfriend and that I fit in with everyone else at the party who was coupled up.
I’m having an incredibly difficult time with this break up.
You’d think I was going through menopause. If I get talking about my current living situation, the tears rush into my eyes and my voice immediately chokes up. The sadness I feel is covered up by my need to keep everything “normal”, but it’s real and scary and absolutely devastating.
When everyone else left the party, they were arm in arm with their loved one, celebrating holiday feelings. I got into a cab by myself and stared out the window on the drive home.
Logically I know that I have to go through this time period and eventually I’ll come out on top. I just never thought it would be this monumentally heart-breaking.
I hate the word “lonely” now. Cuz I feel like it defines me. It’s become how I feel and although I resist it, it’s become who I am.
I don’t know.
I’m not resentful of the happiness around me. I just wish I could take part in it a little. I have a hard enough time being happy to begin with. But…
It’s ok.
I’m cool. Always cool.
Mariah’s girlfriend, Jessica, and I threw the Holiday party this year. There was food and drinks and a fun game…and most importantly…everyone came! There were like 10 people in a small NYC space eating and laughing and drinking. It was wonderful.
And when it was nearing the end of the party, I started to get achingly sad again.
In the past, Paul would have had to work and most likely wouldn’t have come to the party anyway. But I would still know that I had a boyfriend and that I fit in with everyone else at the party who was coupled up.
I’m having an incredibly difficult time with this break up.
You’d think I was going through menopause. If I get talking about my current living situation, the tears rush into my eyes and my voice immediately chokes up. The sadness I feel is covered up by my need to keep everything “normal”, but it’s real and scary and absolutely devastating.
When everyone else left the party, they were arm in arm with their loved one, celebrating holiday feelings. I got into a cab by myself and stared out the window on the drive home.
Logically I know that I have to go through this time period and eventually I’ll come out on top. I just never thought it would be this monumentally heart-breaking.
I hate the word “lonely” now. Cuz I feel like it defines me. It’s become how I feel and although I resist it, it’s become who I am.
I don’t know.
I’m not resentful of the happiness around me. I just wish I could take part in it a little. I have a hard enough time being happy to begin with. But…
It’s ok.
I’m cool. Always cool.
